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How To Turn Your Relationship Insecurities Into Strengths
If you’ve ever been in a relationship then you’ve most likely experienced insecurities about yourself in one way or other. Perhaps you’re in the rhetoric questioning stage where you ask yourself questions like “why doesn’t he communicate as much anymore?”, “Why does he take so long to respond to texts?”, “Is he/she bored with me? Has he/she met someone more interesting?” Every relationship has its fair share of ups and downs. Sometimes these ups and downs strengthen a relationship but they can also break it. A lot of the insecurities that stem up from our relationships are as a result of change. As the relationship is growing and evolving, so are the individuals involved in it. You might acquire new habits, interests, and philosophies, and you may change physically too. These changes can shake up things between you and the significant other causing you to pause and question the state of your relationship. We naturally start looking at how our own insecurities and failures are impacting our relationship. Ultimately, we can easily push away our partners causing more strain on the relationship. New research indicates that recognizing your weaknesses as a key factor of your relationship satisfactions introduces seemingly sensible solutions to dealing with the dilemma. Alice Huange and Howard Berenbaum of University of Illinois’ Urbana-Champaign’s, the healthiest evaluations of ourselves, include recognizing and then accommodating our failings.
So how do you turn these insecurities into strengths?
- Acknowledge your weaknesses and face them head on Your insecurities arise from your weakness whether real or imagined. If you feel not equipped to do something that could add value to your relationship, then your self-esteem goes down and it affects your behavior. Suppose you’re not confident about your prowess in the bedroom. This could hinder your intimacy; not because your partner has an issue with you but because your low self-esteem in this area is affecting your ability to perform. List down all your insecurities and weaknesses. Acknowledge them and remind yourself he/she still chose you despite them. You don’t have to fix everything in your life and honestly sometimes fixing won’t change anything. Do your best, and strive to be yourself always.
- Stop assuming it’s all about you It’s easy to blame yourself when a relationship starts struggling. You may be tempted to think that maybe you added too much weight. Maybe you’ve become too busy. Maybe you don’t cook as much or as well enough. This is a sign of being self-centered and it will only drive you crazy causing you to look for trouble where there is none. Don’t be tempted to think too much into anything; looking for hidden meaning behind everything your partner does or says. Psychoanalyzing everything they do and how they do it. If they don’t want to go out for dinner it probably has nothing to do with you. Maybe they had a long day at work. If they are not in a talking mood it doesn’t mean they are necessarily mad at you. Maybe they just had a long day and now want some peace and quiet. You don’t have to know what they are thinking every single moment. You’ll be surprised how connected you could both be in silence. And if it’s absolutely necessary, just ask what’s going on with them instead of drowning your thoughts in wrong assumptions.
- Do not psyche yourself out Your thoughts about who you are and your value in the relationship can be your worst enemy. Have you ever found yourself wondering if your partner is too good for you? Do you wonder what good he/she saw in you? Do you question if they genuinely love you? Well, if you’ve found yourself doing this, then you need to stop immediately. These thoughts are a reflection of your fear. How do you fight fear? Face it head on and use affirmative words and actions to counteract the fear. When these thoughts creep in just remind yourself that it’s all in your head. These insecurities do not exist in real life. He/she loves you because they do and that is why you are in a relationship with them. Focus and building the connection with your partner; appreciating their love for you and show them love in return. Before you know it, these scary thoughts will be a thing of the past.
- Don’t put off uncomfortable conversations Like it or not, every relationship has its fair share of conflicts. While conflicts are stressful to your relationship in the short run, they help strengthen your relationship in the long run. The important thing is to face those uncomfortable conversations with grace and maturity. Don’t pretend you're not hurt or angry when something has gone wrong in the relationship. Instead, communicate your feelings in a mature manner that will bring about reconciliation and productive change so as to avoid future similar conflicts. Don’t hold in the anger or negative feelings towards something because when you do, soon enough it will be too much to take in and you’ll reach a breaking point and deliver your frustrations in the ugliest way imaginable. Most likely destroying the relationship completely.
- Clean house before letting love in We all want to have a connection with someone. Someone to hold, and love and share life with. Isn’t that just wonderful? However, it is difficult to work on your insecurities when already in a relationship. Even harder to stay objective about your situation when you have baggage from the past that is affecting how you relate to your partner. So before taking that bold step to get into a relationship, first work on you. Let go of any baggage from the past. Acknowledge that the past is gone and it no longer has power over you unless you let it. Put conscious effort to keep away any thoughts that will reduce your self-worth, and gain back your self-confidence before allowing a new partner into your life. No one would appreciate being invited into a messy home; similarly, no one wants to be in a relationship with a messed up person.